SATIRE

DPI SPECIAL REPORT Edited by The Curmudgeon
Ian Paisley Versus the Man-Worshippers

One of DPI's hundreds of Undercover Jesuit-Trained Operatives and Paid Papist Informants infiltrating the Belfast, Northern Ireland-based organization of militant Protestant leader Ian Paisley has just passed along the following document to DPI.
It announces Paisley's new grassroots movement to convince the British government to outlaw the practice of "harbor[ing] idolatrous statues and icons" in all churches in all areas under British rule, especially "Romish" churches. As the document below reveals, Paisley opposes all forms of "human-worship" and "idolatrous personality cults focusing on mere men rather than God."

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley, MP, Denounces Papist Idolatry

BELFAST -- Speaking at the Paisley Podium within the Paisley Lecture Hall of the new Paisley Jubilee Complex, renowned Reformed Protestant crusader Dr. Ian Paisley boldly attacked "idolatrous Popery's threat to the supremacy of Christ."

Righteously indignant that the British government still permits Romish churches to harbor idolatrous statues and icons, Dr. Paisley called upon the entire congregation of Paisley Free Presbyterian Church to send a stirring message to Parliament: "This abominable saint-worship takes away from the glory due to Christ alone!"

As perhaps the only true Reformed Protestants on the planet, Dr. Paisley noted, "we will never set up idolatrous personality cults focusing on mere men rather than God. This is one of the historic hallmarks of our faith here in the Paisleyite tradition!"

Joining Dr. Paisley at the Paisley Podium within the Paisley Jubilee Complex's Paisley Auditorium was Rev. Dr. Bob Jones III, president of Bob Jones University, a long-time staunch supporter of non-idolatrous, Christ-focused True Christianity.

"As I said recently at the unveiling of the new Bob Jones, Jr., wing of the Bob Jones, Sr., Memorial Sports Coliseum/Conference Center/Spa/Resort, our whole aim is to glorify God, only God, and nothing but God," Dr. Jones said.

"That is why we are now spearheading a capital campaign drive for the construction of the new Bob Jones III Institute for Combatting Papist Idolatry. To raise funds for this crucial Christ-centered enterprise, we are holding the first annual Bob Jones IV PGA Golf Invitational back in beautiful Greenville, South Carolina. Y'all are cordially invited to attend this important event at the newly developed Bob Jones Sr./Jr./III/IV PGA Championship Golf Course & Country Club for White Anglo-Saxon People Only."

To conclude this historic call for a return to true Christ-centered religion, Dr. Paisley. Dr. Jones, and all 1,500 attendees joined in reciting the Paisley Creed while the Paisley Orchestra played "Hail, Paisley!" -- a new tone poem composed by Mrs. Ian Paisley through a grant from the Paisley Center for Authentic Christian Arts & Culture.
"To God alone be the glory!" Dr. Paisley said in summary, as attendees dispersed for a reception at the Paisley Hotel.